Kabaklaan Blues

I am tired of being gay.

I had a good talk with Mama O last Saturday about being gay and getting old. It was at a deck of a cabin along the river, away from the city. There, we celebrated our birthday with sister Ekra and his BF and of course, Indian Mermaid.

Besides sharing the same birth date, Mama O and I have the same strong compulsion for cigs. Every time I see him going out at the deck to smoke, my drive would lead me out to do the same.

It was a nice early afternoon. The sun was out and the river scene was spectacular. I grabbed a couple bottles of Corona and had a quiet moment with Mama O outside.

Our silence made the chirping sound of the birds more audible. It was calming. Worries gone. I enjoyed it with a stick of Marlboro Lights, a beer, and a best-friend around whom I thought, harmonized his thoughts with mine without saying anything. The still moment remained.... until a red kayak came into sight down the river. There was man on board.

"Gwapo ba?", me interrupting the silence. "Gurang!(Matanda!)" ang sagot ng the O. "Leche!" accompanied by a mahjongerra laugh to overshadow the birds chirping.

I thought of how old is old. Since we just added another year to our age that day, I thought we were laughing to ourselves.
"So we'd lived half of our lives already..." , conveyed to Mama O. " are you bothered?"

"We are fucking 35! I am fucking 35!" the exact words that came out from his mouth. When it comes to career, Mama O is quite satisfied. He thought of being financially stable with a nice house in the city and some good investments here and back home. Quite an accomplishment for his 35 years on earth. I asked him of how happy he is on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is super happy. He gave me 4.

4 bends toward the sad side, I told him. He told me, it's not all career. So, then what is lacking? "I need love for inspiration" is what I got next. I honestly thought that I am not bothered of me having no special someone right now but when I heard those words from Mama O, I started to think.

I am 35, getting older and have nobody to share life with. Moreover, into hiding still. Hmmm, That's me getting old and gay and alone. Yicks! If I were straight, I thought, I might already have a wife and kids at this age. No closet to hide and no thoughts of what others may say. I may be happier. I felt tired of being gay.

Achoooooo! Ano raw? Tired of being Gay? Hello? EtChos lang yun!

Seriously, (natauhan bigla!) having no BF at this age doesnt mean that we're lonely. It was just a shoddy moment for us thinking about being gay and getting old. We have each other naman (not in an incestuous way, mga gagah!), we have friends around us, families to support us, nephews and nieces who adore us. And of course, a stable career. It is not all kalandian alone!

I say, we're no lonesome aging gays at all. I believe that the low Happiness Level of 4 Mama O gave me was due to that moving scenery by the river. The still moment with the waving trees and the slow flowing waters made him rate himself that. It was sooo Brokeback Moment for him. Thus, the low score.

He has everything except the love life. (though Sex, in Mama O's part is abundant. Which in my case, is not that important at this time). A Love Life is just a part of Happiness. I told him. It doesnt score a 6 against everything. You are single, but not lonely.

Sometimes, we are preoccupied with the things we dont have and desire too much to own them and forget about the beautiful things we already possess.

Yes! We are fucking 35. I am fucking 35! It is just a number. I love it that now I am more wise and have a lot of beautiful memories to think of. And my Happiness is not measured by having a BF alone. It is more than that. I may not be COMPLETE right now but who is anyway?

End of conversation. We went back inside the Cabin. Ekra is with his BF. Indian Mermaid's sending an E-Mail to his. I smiled. I am happy for them. I thought of some beautiful things that I have that they may not have. I look at Mama O. He was smiling too.

I am happy for all of us! Oh diva? Kaya inuman na!

A toast for being Gay and 35!!!!! Yahooo!

Aging and Being Gay: It doesnt matter as long as we continue to exist, to go on and discover some more hidden beauties in life. To breathe is wonderful!