Love Reflex

"Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako or Kailangan mo ako dahil mahal mo ako?"

Was that Claudine's remarks in that forgettable movie? How beautiful naman the matter. It is so me at this point. So I ask the doubt myself.

Mr Mahal Kita Dahil Kailangan Kita:

He's so persistent. He will always say he loves me but it doesnt stop there. After the "I Love You's" there is this "I need help". The help he's asking is more of the financial side. And that is so no-no talaga sa isang relationship for me ha. Once/Twice and if in dire is fine with me, but... Often? So chaka and so palpak. I hate it. So bye bye mister. I dont need this kind of love.

Mr Kailangan Kita Dahil Mahal Kita:

So came this guy. Nice looking. Professional. And doesnt need to ask me some financial favors. I thought this might be it. But this one is so clingy ha. He needs me because he loves me. He needs me to see/call him everyday. To chat with him everyday. He needs his 'good mornings' and 'good nights' from me.... and mind you, that's all his asking raw ha. And to think, di pa kami officially mag jowa nyan ha. He gets mad if i dont act like the way he does (like being sweet to the point na lalangamin ka na). As if, im the only person that gives him life talaga. Well, that is so OA for me ha. and I dont do that. So i took a break and never came back.

----O----

A friend would ask: "Bakit wala ka pang BF? Maarte ka kasi!". Call me maarte pero di ko talaga ma take. Well, there are this kind of Pinoy Baklas that "Provides for Love". Im not one of them. And there are those who "Over-acts when in love". Hinde rin ako dyan na belong.

Im just a bakla looking for a Love Reflex. A spontaneous display of affection. Unforced. Extemporaneous. Unstudied. Walang effort. Mentioning this, i dont wanna look for it. It will just come uninhibited. Maybe, that is why i dont have someone at this point. Is my Love process too complicated? Pls lang!

What If.....

What if you pack up your bags and go to Mt. Abu

and there you meet someone like you

What if he likes you and you like him too

and his odd and amusing story about his Lolo.

What if he starts to sing

and then you start believing

What if you forget everything

and he reminds you it's nothing.

What if he snaps and bites

and you feel no pain

What if he offers you candy delights

and not that castle in Spain

What if you unanticipatedly feel sunny

and all around you is joy.

and swiftly......

What if he asks you for money

for he sees himself as your new toy?

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

To the rain that never stop pouring. Let the Stars sing you the words I wanted to tell you. 



There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I dont want to be mean but this will help you... us. 

Live through this, and you won't look back...

Strange Unhappy Feeling

Once in a while, I will receive a text message from step-sister Ekra saying: "Happy ka ba?" This I will know that Ekra is thinking too much about Life again.  The texting will lead to a discussion of how to get out of this situation, the strange unhappy feeling that we often both undergo from time to time. Ekra thought its all about what he is doing now. His heart is not into it. But should doing things he love can really end his quest for happiness? Hmmmm......

Ekra loves to travel a lot. He's been to Brazil, Amsterdam, Hawaii, and recently, The Grand Canyon but I still keep on receiving those "Happy ka ba?" text messages up to now. I believe there is something more that he is looking for. Just like me, the strange unhappy feeling keeps on coming back. 

This morning I woke up with Mama O's loud music playing outside. The song, "Do You Know Where You're Going To", being played all over again. 

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

I kept on trying to drop off a little bit, but the song annoyed me too much and so I decided to get up... with a frown. I remember Mama O's strange unhappy moment in a Korean Restaurant 2 days ago. Over a bibim bap, he said: "There something in Life ive been missing. I need to do something but i dunno what it is". 

----O----

I am writing this post because this strange unhappy feeling is haunting me more and more lately. It surprises me that I am not alone. Ekra and Mama O mirrored the mood. Now I thought, is it because of our age? Is mid 30's the time to reflect and re-assess Life? What do we lack? What are we looking for? 

Until I read Kiel's I Am Not Holly post. He captioned a line from the film Breakfast At Tiffany's and these are the words that hit me the most: 

"You’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Ok, life’s a fact". People do fall in love. People do belong to each other. Because that’s the only chance anybody has for real happiness".

Pause. Natahimik ako. Ito ba ang kulang sa buhay naming tatlo? Ito ba ang hanap namin? Ito ba ang kaligayahan na hanap hanap namin? Leche! Napa-sisp tuloy ako. Is it Love the right medication to take for this strange unhappy feeling? Or is Love that triggers this affliction? 

Ang sabi nga ni Nina Nastasia in our Song of the Week (Check sidebar): 

"I dont believe in the Power of Love...... And I am not alone".  

Basta ang masabi ko lang: Tse! Sa may mga Jowa! Charot!

Ekra's Big Reveal

After a month of cyber romance, makikita na rin ni Ekra ang kanyang Virtual Papa tonight!!!!

Excited na ang mga sisters for her. After ba naman ng isang buwang YM Chat, photo exchanges, kilig phone calls and.... (take note), "I Love You's" from the Belgian Papa, at meron pang "I'll introduce you to my folks" ha, tonight is the night na talaga. 5 days ago pang excited si loka, kaya naman super support ang mga amigas.

At meron pang drama ang Ekra. "I cant believe this is happening. He is too good to be true! If he is real nga talaga" ang lines ng loka-loka! In fairness naman talaga, ang pekpek-ur ng mokong. Super cutie pie picache!

So, tonight nga malalaman ang tunay na connection ng dalawa. At kung sya nga ang Cyber Papa na pinaninindigan nya ke Ekra sa YM Chat!

Ekra dearie, tonight is the Big Reveal. Kung ano man ang outcome, nandito lang ang mga sisters mo. Champagne man or handkerchief, meron kami. We know na almost 1 month mo na rin tong hinihintay. Good luck, girl! and always remember, Be Yourself!!!!!

The Apple Tree Public Display

I dont understand this Green Apple Tree in our backyard. It looks like its fruits are ready for consumption but there is something on it that says: "Stop! They are not that ripe yet".

Why display yourself to excite me but put a label saying, "You cannot just pick my fruits for now". Are they not to be consumed yet for you're busy glistening yourself to serve your purpose? That purpose, I understand. Its for the future nourishment of the oppressed which I go for. But 5 nights ago, you did tell me you'll be ready in a couple more days. So, I've waited. But what happened?

Last night, I thought it was time to have your fruits again. They looked yummy so i tried to pick one and have a bite... just to taste a little bit of you again. I was so excited to have you, just like always, but all you gave me now is bitterness. Not the usual sweetness you gave me before. You seemed not happy of me enjoying your fruits anymore. You used to be excited and inspired when I have you. It didn't feel right, this time.

So yeah, Now i know, you are not ready for me yet..... Or maybe, that delectable display was no longer for me. So, I decided to leave you alone for now. I hope you're happy.

And yes, it hurts to see you from my window. Especially remembering how we used to be excited and happy sharing time with each other, almost every night, busy or not.

This is not being selfish. I need my nourishment too.

(You know who you are... All I want to know is the real score. Basta ang alam ko, panalo ang Celtics!)

Cheesy Cheesecake

"Remember that crazy couple who spent all their time together, talking and laughing as if there were no one else in the world?"

This was the card sent by my former BF to me months after the break-up. I was in Dubai at that time. He was in the Philly. Cookie Sheeet! At bakit na-post ko ngayon to?

Ewan! Wala akong magawa tonight. Me nakita akong box sa taas ng closet ko. Sabi ko.... ano kaya toh? kaya ayun... binuksan. Ang nakaraan pala ang laman. Old photos and letters. And ayun!, Nabasa ko tong lumang card na to.

Sheeet talagah! Tawagang 'cheesecake'. Sheeeet! Mahilig kasi kaming dalawa lumafang noon. Lalo na ng cheesecake na gawa nya. Magaling magluto kasi. Ayun. Tumaba akong masyado. Umabot ng 180 lbs. noon. Kalokah!

7 years din kami ni Cheesecake. (Sheeeet! So cheesy cheesecake talagah!) Hanggang nagkalayo ang tadhana. Lumipad na ako ng Dubai para mag-trabaho. Naiwan si Cheesecake (Sheeeet! Kakainis ang tawagang toh!). Long Distance Love Affair ang drama for 2 years hanggang na-realize namin both na LDR doesnt work for us at all. He doesnt want to go anywhere pero ako, I wanna go everywhere. Kaya ayun, nagkalabu-an na.

Nakahanap na sya ng bago at ako, till now, wala pa! (Dont get me wrong mga Lola! I dont intend to hold on to this broken relationship noh! Wala na talagah sa akin si cheesecake anoh! Hello? )

So now, I thought na di talagah uubra ang Long Distance Love Relationship sa kin. Pero........ Ewan!

Kayo? Uubra ba sa inyo to?

(Cheesecake and I are really close friends now. Everytime am in the Philly. ka-inuman ko sya.... halos gabi-gabi.... and of course with his new Jowa. In fairy ness ha, ang Jowa mga ineng! Me-dating!

Isa lang ang masasabi ko. Natikman ko na ang bagong cheesecake ng dating BF koh. Masarap sya! Parang Cheesecake ng Manila Hotel. Oh diva? Ang saya-saya ng ending?)